The Legend of Zelda: The Teleport Button
by LinkLord
Summary: This is the funniest fanfic I've ever done.


"I cannot,repeat,CANNOT believe I came over to your house."My enemy complained."Aw,quit your belyaching,foo'."Vrael snapped back,not taking his eyes of the video game screen as Durza mashed the controls."At least his games are good.Right,Durza?"he asked with a teasing smile."Can't...talk...now..."He replied,his eyes red from playing so long."Must...defeat fat guy...on Epona...""Suuure."Vrael replied,a little creeped out by Durza's behavior."Cool!"Niko cried."Hmm?"Michael looked at the screen.The words '**PRESS A TO TELEPORT INTO YOUR GAME**' flashed on-screen."Durza,"Vrael began warningly."You'd better not..."he did.

Durza excitedly slammed his thumb down on the **A** button and nothing happened.Durza sighed.Then three long hands reached out and grabbed them,pulling them in."Weeeeee!!"Durza and Vrael shouted in unison."Heeeeellllppp mmmeeeee!!"My enemy cried.

They landed with a loud thump in a spring."Hey Link!"My enemy and Vrael turned to see Durza already on his feet,waving at the figure.Link cocked his head."Let's go,guys!"Durza said,darting after Link."Wait up!"Vrael shouted,scrambling to follow.He caught up to them at a big black wall."Cool!"Durza screeched,touching it.Four long arms reached out and grabbed them,reeling them in like fish."Durza,what did you do?!?"Vrael screamed as he thrashed to get loose."But daddy,I don't wanna go to school!"Durza whined,and Vrael realized with a groan his brain was still fried from all his late-night videogaming.This was espescially bad because due to all his late-night visits to was the only one there who knew how things would turn out.

The four were thrown roughly to the ground and picked up again.At least,Durza and Link were,by some huge and terrifying creature with a flat face."Go on without me!"Durza said dramatically,reaching out."Okay!"Vrael and my enemy replied in unison as they ran.Behind them they could hear Durza talking to the monster.Maybe he could get it to stop.

"Luke,I am your father!"

Or maybe not.Suddenly a bright light flashed and Durza and Link were dropped.Link grunted before turning into a wolf.Durza did the same except he turned into a wolf-sized dragon.Well,that fit seeing as he loved and always pretended to be a dragon.Wings fully expanded,they both howled before collapsing and being dragged away.Vrael then saw her.

Midna.

She floated towards them."We've gotta save them."she said."OK!I'm sure Durza will be overjoyed to see you!"Vrael replied.Then he followed Midna with my enemy close behind.

Wolf-Link awoke in a dungeon.Suddenly,he saw two humans standing outside the door of his cell,and a little imp.She created an energy ball,then swiped her hands.It broke the chain binding Link and she used her magic to bend the bars of the cage open.Midna then looked cautiously into the next room and jumped back as a wall of fire emerged from behind the bars."I'm guessing that's Durza?"Vrael asked,looking.The red-and-black striped dragon bit at the shackles that bound him and paced the floor,growling at them."I can't free him."Midna said."He'll go beserk and think I'm attacking him.""No,he won't."Vrael said."He _likes_ you."Vrael and my enemy snickered.Suddenly,Durza's head whipped around and he opened his gaping jaws,letting loose a mighty torrent of flame.Vrael yelped and had to duck to avoid it,although there was a smell of burning as his hair got singed."That's not funny!"he glared,identifying the dragon's grunts as laughter.Then they all heard something in their heads.Was the dragon trying to speak to them?"

"_I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves,everybody's nerves,everybody's nerves!"_

No,he was trying to get them to leave.Midna freed him and moved out of the way as he lept at the cast iron bars,smashing them and freeing himself.Midna flipped and landed on his back.He roared in surprise and thrashed,then suddenly stopped."So it's true,you do like me."Midna said."What happened?"Vrael asked,confused."His memory of me kicked in about halfway through his attempt to buck me off."Midna replied.She sharply grabbed the dragon's left ear and it gasped,its head tilting towards her."See?He remembers me."Midna said with false happiness before letting go.She dug her heels into his sides and the dragon reared before taking off at a speed so fast Vrael and my enemy needed to ride Link to catch up.

Outside the castle,Midna found two shields,two swords,and two bows fully stored with arrows.She gave them to Vrael and my enemy before getting back on top of Durza.Suddenly,Eitak approached and grabbed some weapons too."How the heck did you get here?!?"Vrael screeched."The game was still on when I came over to make sure Durza hadn't become obsessive about his new game...again."she replied coolly."Isn't that right,"she cooed,approaching Durza."Be careful!"Vrael warned."He might--"their eyes popped in astonishment as Durza bowed his head to let her pet him."How did--I thought--But why would--?"Vrael unleashed his most devestating attack:the unfinished stuttering sentences!"You know Vrael,"Eitak chided."You weren't Durza's only friend.""Oh,yeah.Right."Vrael muttered."I brought copies of his favorite songs."Eitak continued,pulling out a CD player and several discs."Dragons react in different ways depending on how much they like the music.For example,if I played one of these CD's and Durza thought of it as a battle theme,he might fight fiercer."Vrael nodded and suddenly,two creatures exactly like the one that had changed Durza appeared. Eitak flipped a switch on the CD player and the music video played. (if ANYONE laughs at this next part, I'll KILL them! I like this song, so I don't need your stupid opinions!

"No time to lose..."

It began.A fierce fire glowed in Durza's sapphire eyes and he flapped one wing,then carefully bended it to make a ramp and tilted his back,making Midna slide off.

"It's time to roll..."

Durza roared and swiped at the nearest creature,making a row of bloody gashes in its chest.Then,as it neared his favorite part of the song,Durza went totally berserk on the monsters.And judging by the words of the song,they could see why.

"Only the strongest will survive!"

Durza ripped a gash into another creature's face before opening his maw and swallowing it whole.His spiked tail whipped around,making deep cuts in the other one before he turned and bit it.It struggled,its limbs flailing about,then went limp.Durza grunted in contentment before spitting it out.Midna got back on,then thought better of it as Durza glared at her with his amber left eye."He's hungry."Eitak observed."OK,so what do we feed him?"Midna asked.Durza seemed to be highly offended at being mentioned like a pet,and with a snarl he reared,catching Midna by surprise and flinging her back."You'd best not watch."Eitak said,carefully bending over the dead Twilight Creature.Her eyes locked with Durza's and she slowly walked forward,placed the beast in front of him,then retreated,not turning until she reached them."In the woods.Now."she said,grabbing them and pulling them in."What was that for?"Midna demanded,trying to escape Eitak's grip and sneak a look at what was happening.A sudden ripping and loud crunching instantly paralyzed her."That,"Eitak said,"Is why no one should look upon a dragon while it's eating,or that creature will become the next dish."she replied."Oh,and by the way,it'd be best if we went _around_ that area when he's finished,unless you feel like seeing your whole breakfast in a huge pile of--""Okay,we get it!"Vrael screeched,trying to block out her next words.

They reached a certain spot after two months of traveling and Durza collapsed,his tongue lolling out from exhaustion,due to the fact he had to carry Midna half the time.Since he and Link were both animals,they could talk to each other.No one else heard them unless they wanted them to._"Not so easy,is it?"_Link teased._"When I get my breath back,I swear I'll empty my lungs on a fire so huge you'll wish you hadn't said that."_Durza replied,almost too tired to be angry.Then he suddenly seemed alive with energy as a strange robed man appeared in the center of the clearing."Zant!"Midna cried out in surprise before Zant's magic hurled her,Eitak,Vrael and my enemy against trees.Link lept at Zant only to be blown to unconsciousness by the man's magic.Durza,much brighter then Link due to the fact he knew everything about the gaming world,merely sat and glared at Zant.Suddenly,he spoke."Do not make a fool of yourself."he said scornfully.Durza seemed barely surprised by this and yawned,scratching his ear.Zant,infuriated,blasted Durza with an energy wave that made a pulsating black object land directly between his eyes.He looked at it,cross-eyed,then gave a small whine/yelp and fell to the side.Zant released the others and,with a whirl,was gone.Midna looked hopelessly at the dark object sinking into Durza's head before it vanished from sight.She used her magic to conjure thick chains to bind Durza and wrapped them around the surrounding trees."Why are you doing that?"Eitak asked.Then she got her answer.

Durza woozily rose and looked at them.Then he snarled and lunged forward,only to be stopped by the chains.He growled,frustrated,and tried to figure out a way to get to them.He finally gave up and vanished.Suddenly,Link was back to normal."Generously,Zant was unaware that his magic attack would return me to normal."he said."Durza stole my Fused Shadows!"Midna cried out angrily."Now what?""I am the one who Durza talked about most about his love for Zelda games,and after piecing together all he has ever told me,I may know the one place he has gone."Eitak said slyly before leading them through the woods.

They crept through the night,watching the moon carefully.Any moment now...

Yes!The silhouette darted across the moon and landed on a rocky outcropping.Eitak figured he'd have come here.He would have wanted to come to the never-ending plains of Hyrule.Suddenly,Durza turned and his eyes pierced the darkness,studying them.He then planted his feet on the ground,and reeled as if punched.Then he flung his arms out and up,making so sudden a move that the air itself seemed to quiver.But what was even more horrible was the screeching,wailing,surprisingly skull kid-like screech emanating from his throat.Suddenly,a huge insect surged from the ground and began flying just as another appeared."Twinmold!"Vrael and Eitak cried in unison."What's a Twinmold?"Midna asked."Durza told us quite a lot about this guy."Eitak said."We are doomed."Vrael said quite simply.Then Durza's wings flared open and he glided down to them.Vrael reacted the quickest,running into the moonlight and becoming a werewolf,leaping up to grab Durza's chest just as Durza was stretching his talons.They spun in the air,Vrael holding on while biting and slashing.Horrible ripping noises came from above them as they ducked and dodged Twinmold.Suddenly,Eitak saw Durza fly down,and she thought he'd been hurt.But there wasn't a single wing injury.He then promptly let go of Vrael,cackling with glee as Vrael grunted and hissed as he rolled through the dirt.He picked himself up and roared,once again jumping at the winged demon.Suddenly,Eitak noticed something.Though Vrael was getting injured,Durza didn't seem to be hitting as hard as he could be.Also,between lightning-fast moves,Eitak could see sapphire flashes of recognition in his amber eyes."That's it!"she said as everything fell into place.Vrael looked at her and Durza rammed into him,knocking him off the cliff into the shade where he transformed back to a human."His feelings for us are interfering with Zant's evil sorcery!"Eitak said as Durza made mocking gestures in between wingbeats."That means whoever is here that he cares for the most can make him stop."Vrael said as it dawned on him."And that would be..."Link said in thought.All eyes turned to Midna."Me?"she asked,backing up."Durza can go on for hours at school,raving on about how much he loves you."Eitak said."You're the only one here who can stop him."

The next thing Midna knew,she was promptly standing right in front of an approaching Twinmold who was looking very,very hungry.Durza chuckled with glee as he looked down,only to see Midna standing in the way.His sudden emotional surge collided with Zant's magic,and his mind began tearing itself apart.Twinmold froze and vanished as Durza,put into a frenzied movement,kicked his feet rapidly and shook his head while twisting his hips,ears pressed firmly against his hands.He made several odd noises."Wowahwowahwowowaaaahhh!"his feet curled towards him as he bent over,still shaking his head.Then his feet shot out as his head blasted skywards,the most horrible screeching noise they'd ever heard coming from his maw.They covered their own ears,then suddenly..

...it stopped...

They glanced upward to find the air empty.They looked down and saw Durza laying against a log,panting.The Fused Shadows hung from a piece of leather he wore around his neck.Then his eyes rolled into his head as he fell unconscious.

He looked up.His vision was very blurry,but he could make out someone kneeling beside him.He suddenly realized what had occured and lept to his feet,leaping backwards to the top of a cliff.His vision came into focus,and he saw that Midna had kneeled beside him.That thought struck him and he smiled.Suddenly,the long dark thing rose out of his head and dropped to the ground before he fell in a heap after it.

Midna used her powers on them and they traveled into Durza's mind,seeing what he had thought of what he was doing.

_Wait a minute..a strange tingling on the back of my neck...oh!Link,Eitak,Vrael,my enemy and...Midna.I'll make them pay for abandoning me!_

_He loosed the terrible screech and cackled with glee as Twinmold rose at his summons._


End file.
